Monday, July 25, 2011

40 Funny things to stick on your balls ;o)

hehehe .. I polled my friends
And the "Golf Ball says"

"I said Tees not Trees"
"Duh, Hide the Beer Hit the Ball"
"Here Gopher Gopher Gopher"
"Where did you come from, a scotch ad?"
"I know why I'm here - what's your excuse"
"Don't you people have homes?"
"Don't you people have jobs?"
"Arnold Palmer you ain't"
"Three wishes .. and no wishing for wishes"
"I see a lot of horticulture in your future"
"Something you lost will soon turn up - but this ain't it"
"Just remember the course closes at 5pm"
"Mulligan ... and again, and again, and again"
"Look Gilligan - this isn't a 3 hour tour"
"Just head back to the office, Ball not found. Abort, Retry, Ignore"
"Live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your handicap"
"When everything’s coming your way, DUCK! you're playing the wrong way"
"Would it help if we put a barn in the middle of the fairway for you?"
"Shaking me isn't going to change the answer"
"UUuuu JackAss!"
"Look, Golf ain't for sissies"
"376 - your game is improving!"
"I think I know your problem - its hitting the ball"
"Remember, what comes around, goes around ... MuWaHahaha"
"The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs"
"Maybe your best talent is to drive the cart?"
"Just kidding - there is no candy"
"No you can't power-level this hole"
"Putter? I don't even know her"
"Get a grip - before you hit the ball this time"
"Oh the Irony of it all"
"Go ahead, make my day"
"I heard Four, but this is at least seven?"
"It will help if you put the blackberry down before you swing"
"my wife thinks we're having fun"
"Yes I know its all green - I meant the other green"
"Next time - aim for the non-forest looking part"
"You want summa dis?"
"Getting a hole in one on your back-swing .. doesn't count"
"W A S H M E"

A whole slew of Golf one liners and where did Kevin find it? On a Hockey site .. Go Figure

Subject: Golf one liners

One of the advantages bowling has over golf is that you seldom lose a
bowling ball.
-Don Carter, pro bowler

I've had a good day when I don't fall out of the cart.
-Buddy Hackett

I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.
-Gerald Ford

Once when I was golfing in Georgia I hooked the ball into a swamp. I went
in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a
little golfer on it.
-Buddy Hackett

It's good sportsmanship not to pick up lost balls while they are still
-Mark Twain

Golf's three ugliest words: still your shot.
-Dave Marr

It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it
in one afternoon on the golf course.
- Hank Aaron

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him
- Phyllis Diller

"I'm very lucky. If it wasn't for golf I don't know what I'd be doing. If my
IQ had been two points lower, I'd have been a plant somewhere."
-Lee Trevino

Golf has more rules than any other game, because golf has more cheaters than
any other game.
-Bruce Lansky

On a recent survey, 80 percent of golfers admitted cheating. The other 20
percent lied.
-Bruce Lansky

I have a tip that can take 5 strokes off anyone's golf game. It is called
an eraser.
-Arnold Palmer

Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into an even smaller
hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose."
-Winston Churchill

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the
occasional miracle.

Tee your ball high...air offers less resistance than dirt.
-Jack Nicklaus

Why is it that when you tell yourself, 'don't hit it in the water' your body
only seems to hear the word 'water'?

The trees taunt you; the sand mocks you; the water calls your name...and
they say golf is a quiet game.

Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank
it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out
and, for no reason at all, you really stink.
-Bob Hope

Only a stupid golfer throws his club behind him. The smart golfer throws his
club ahead so he can pick it up on the way to the next hole.
-Tommy Armour

Corollary: clubs don't float.

He who has the fastest golf cart never has a bad lie.
-Mickey Mantle

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

The scoop on my latest poop

Jan or Feb 2007, I was speaking with my Sons County Worker at an IEP meeting, I disclosed that I was in the market for new medical insurance coverage in the near future, the CMH worker was aware of my business closing and knew that I was struggling to find work. She suggested that I apply for one of the state health care programs, she stated, “That’s one good thing about MN, we have a great medical program”

In March 2007 I looked online to see what was available – I was unable to print the PDF online so I picked up a copy from the county – a General application for medical assistance. When I applied I was under the impression the application would be used to determine what if anything we qualified for. i.e., -MinnesotaCare, TEFRA, General Assistance Medical Care.

My circumstances were unique and did not accurately fit into the application mold. I opted to bring my partially completed application into the county office to have an intake interview. I “verbally” reported to this intake person that I had closed my business as of December 2006 and expected no further income/revenue, and that the company group health insurance account had a credit balance so my children would not require coverage until May 2007. I disclosed my assets biz and personal financial information.

The intake person stopped me from pulling out more papers and informed me immediately that after reviewing my asset titles, bank statements .. that I personally did not qualify because I was over the asset limit, but my dependant children do. I informed him that one of my sons was Special Needs and had an existing county case worker. The intake person stated he would talk to the case worker to see if we qualified under any of the special needs programs. (my son is EBD / ADHD, ODD, and at the time we were looking into possibly BiPolar.. ) I continued to update, via fax, the information as requested by the intake person through April 16, 2007, including a lump sum payment of $2,690.00 I’d received March 28, 2007 from the ex catching up past due child support.

My two Sons were placed on MA immediately starting April 1 2007. (Although the paperwork I received reads as of May 2007)

Immediately in April my sons CMH Case worker began billing MA TCM fees for attending IEP and face to face meetings - Prior to my son receiving MA, the county services were not billable, the county was unable to bill private insurance, there were no parental fees, therefore, the county was forced to absorb the expense. I’ve since learned that MA is the only entity a county can bill CMH/TCM services.

In August of 2007, I was sent a renewal form. I did not complete the form and mail it in.
Late in August 2007 I was in the county office talking with my sons CMH worker when a financial worker informed me she had taken over our MA case and that I was due for renewal. I started to complete the form in the office, I informed the worker that I would have to go home to get the balance of the information, I also disclosed my assets again. The financial case worker seemed surprised that I owned land and a utility truck. I explained to her that the land and the truck were both for sale and had been for some time. I returned home to gather the balance of my financial information and called in and verbally reported my June July and August ‘earned’ income. I asked the financial case worker if I should include myself on the renewal, the worker said “sure, it can’t hurt, the worst they could do is deny you” I received a notice stating that my children’s coverage was renewed and that I personally was ineligible do to being over the asset limit.

On February 21, 2008, I received a notice stating I had missed an appointment with a County worker on February 12, 2008 and that the children’s coverage was suspended. I called immediately and made a same day appointment to meet with the MA auditor. I brought my financial information directly to her to go over, she made a list of other information she would like to see, YE 1040 2006 & 2007.. I complied. I was told that the children’s insurance was going to be suspended pending her audit.

Over the following 5 months I called the county on a regular basis inquiring about the status of the audit. I was repeatedly told that they were working on it. July 22, 2008 I learn the “Audit” was actually a full blown criminal investigation. The only reason I knew this was because I made my regular monthly call to check on the status of the audit.

I was told by the MA Auditor that my file had been turned over to the County Attorneys office and that they think I was hiding income (because they saw deposits). I was told to call the County Attorneys office for further information. I told the investigator, “I’m getting an attorney, I’m scared of these folks” She said, “No, don’t get an attorney” I hung up and called the County Attorneys office. I was told I was being charged with felony welfare fraud as of July 16, 2008 and was scheduled to appear in court in September 2008. I informed the County Attorney that I had not received the document and she told me to call the Administration office to get a copy. I called the Administrators office and not knowing a case # I just give her my name. I learn that there is a warrant for my arrest and that it looks like an accident. “A Typo”. I inform the Administration worker that I will be in to pick up a copy of the summons and ask for a letter to carry with me stating the warrant was a mistake and has been quashed. I also requested the certified copy of the summons. When I arrived, the certified copy of the summons was not available to me because it was at the Sheriffs, ready to be served as a warrant. I asked the county worker if that meant that the Sheriff was scheduled to come and arrest me by accident? She said, yes, it’s possible.

Now, keep in mind this is July 22, 2008, one day after I faxed the court ordered letter of apology for the Connolly case. I faxed the letter to 3 different departments on July 21, 2008 exactly the 14th day, as ordered.

I return home with my Quashed Warrant document and my Summons to Appear and start surfing the net looking an attorney. I run across this -

I see Connolly’s name, I’m thinking holy cow… I’m not the only one. I call DeCoursey at home. He’s a bit skeptical and asks me to tell him about my run in with Connolly, I did. He says holy cow, that’s exactly like what happened to he and his wife.

I ask him how much it cost him to fight his case, he stated about $30,000.00. I know there’s no way I can afford that. A ask if he knows an attorney that works well with Isanti County. He informs me there was an attorney working on taking Isanti to court for other cases like mine, he confirmed that Connolly and a few other officers have been overstepping their authority and that cases like mine are not so unusual. I call the attorney office he refers me to. I get grilled a bit, and learn that because my case was older, 2006, and that I chose to plead out, that I could not help him with his case. I asked him what it would take “UnPlead” and he informed me that it would cost at least $5,000.00 and it was not likely I would win. Also, to go on to trial would cost as well and if he lost the case they would likely enforce the strongest sentence possible for me.

Ugh! I’m pissed as hell, mixed with scared to death, for my own safety, the safety of my children, I start working on getting my youngest son out of here to keep him from messing up and digging us deeper into the county system, My oldest son is leaving for college in a month .. I’m scheduled to meet my PO officer for the first time since my plea in 6 days.

- July 29, 2008, Before I meet with my PO I talk with my sons juvenile PO about how well he’s doing and I request that we release my son from probation because we plan to move to a new state and it would be good for him to have a fresh start. The PO agrees that my son has been doing well and says if the school says ok, he’s ok with it.

I go onto to meet my PO, I’m informed of my rights, or lack there of, as well as
informed “THAT letter was not good enough.” I was handed an outline / format from my PO officer, listing the subjects I was to address. I was told that it should be hand written and more than 1 page long with no spelling errors and turned into her within 14 days.

So, as I’m being told I’ll need to write another letter, I’m absolutely biting my tongue because I know Isanti County has some scary issues in their police department, abuses of power, sexual harassment … I’m pretty sure they know this officer has a history. Why are they insisting I declare this officer my victim and apologize to him in writing, making certain I admit I’ve done something wrong and that I deserve to be punished? Surely it’s not going to make the officer feel better … He knows he was way out of line, and making me feel worse, well there’s no benefit to the county there. I’m assuming they need it on record because they know they have an up coming issue. And already know I’m not gonna help ‘em. So, I used the writing opportunity as therapy, which is what probation is about, rehabilitation.. I felt much better after writing it. No Blood, no foul I figured.

I jump through all the hoops, drop of the letter, I’m thinking.. Done. I should be out of MN in no time. See:

I learn from my attorney on the Felony charge that the County Attorney told him, off the record, that they would not usually prosecute a case like this but because they don’t like me they are going forward, (of course he won’t put that in writing) later as my trail date grew closer, my attorney tells me the county is not calling him back, he’s having a hard time getting my records, documents, and that they are seemingly not willing to communicate. They insist on me pleading to a criminal charge, no matter how much documentation we have to prove otherwise. I refuse to EVER plead out again. I also know it will cost $10,000.00 min to go to trial. I have a probation violation hearing coming up, I’m still trying to go after the former consultant who ripped me off blind, hence the closed business, I’m in the process of filing bankruptcy, looking for f/t work, my son having a cow because I’ve sent him to live with his uncle to keep him out of trouble. It was a freaking nightmare.

I tell the Attorney there’s no way I can pay him $10,000.00 right then and ask him to please stop working on the case. I decided to file a continuance so I could search for a cheaper attorney, or hold off until I qualified for a PD, either way, I couldn’t go further.

My requests for continuance were denied. I was forced to represent myself Pro Se and in the middle of a complete nervous breakdown. I have ADHD, it’s usually not a big deal but, the more stressed I am the harder it is for me to focus and think clearly. I start taking the ADD meds I hate, and when that prescription ran out I decided to try a new med on the market, Vyvanse … at first it seemed to help … but after a while if your not sleeping, not eating and melting down, that stuff does more harm than good. I was a babbling idiot representing myself in a 12 person jury trial .. needless to say that didn’t go well.

Its 2.5 months later .. I’m off the meds… still stressed as hell, but I’ve reconciled that I may just have to be a Felon and get on with it until I can afford to fight this properly.

I’m scheduled to be sentenced February 4th, 2008 on the MA Fraud charge, still Pro Se. I lost my probation violation hearing and that sentencing is scheduled for February 26, 2008, which means they will likely lift the stay of adjudication and I’ll have a criminal gross misdemeanor “obstruction of justice” on my record. I may have to spend time in jail, which is no big deal, beats writing a letter of apology. The sad part is that my neighbors here in the county are footing the bill to house and feed me for 10 days. It makes no sense to me at all and if it ever does … shoot me please.

Monday, January 26, 2009

The Sloan Zone

Talking Smack trying to figure Ustream out

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

The “Adjustment” period

Under the “Violation” section (See: “Violation my Ass”) is the “Adjustment” section.

“Adjustment” Section reads as follows:

The offender has no previous criminal history. This is her first violation of probation since being sentenced on 7/X/08. The offender has plans to move to Missouri in the near future as she is losing her home, can’t find work and has family down there. Originally this “agent” had planned to recommend discharge upon completion of her conditions. However, the offender is refusing to take any responsibility for her offense. Being that the offender does not appear to be a threat to herself or others, this “agent” believes that an appropriate recommendation for this probation violation would be to revoke “Stay of Adjudication”, impose an execution, serve 10 days in the Isanti County Jail and discharge from probation upon receipt of payment of the balance of the offender’s fine.

Offender’s Thoughts: Ok, we have validated I’m not dangerous. Yes, I want to leave MN and get outta their hair. It cost’s the State and County absolutely $0.00 = (nothing, nada) to stop this insanity. The “Agent” could simply say, “ok, done, have a nice day.”

But NOOooo, they’d rather spend OUR money feeding, clothing and housing me!

Consider the paperwork, the return court dates, the time via man-hours and $$ taken away from us as a community. WE are paying these individuals to document and process this chaos … Holy cow!

I personally have spent hours on the phone, writing letters, faxing, mailing, delivering, reading, documenting and literally thousands of dollars that could have been used toward boosting our local economy, or simply applied to SOMETHING more constructive …. Arrggggh **@#4$%$%^&…

The folks at the “County Administration” desk are inundated with unnecessary work to appease whom?... And for What?

K, back to What IS:

This offenders Rebuttal: (according to This Offenders lil pea brain)

Noun S: (n) rebuttal (the speech act of refuting by offering a contrary contention or argument) S: (n) rebutter, rebuttal ((law) a pleading by the defendant in reply to a plaintiff's surrejoinder)

A: “Conditions of Probation” I agreed to, and signed, line 13:

“Write a letter of apology to officer & provide to PO within 14 days.”

Done: I faxed it to both Officer Jackass and the Probation department exactly 14 days later.

The “Agent” requested an additional detailed hand written letter of apology, written as stated the outline the “Agent” provided as part of her duty as the “agent” assigned to punish the” offender” for up to two years at the “agent’s” discretion, the “agent” allotted 14 days.

Done: I provided the additional document ordered by the “Agent” on the 13th day

C: The “agent” states”- “the offender is refusing to take any responsibility for her offense.”

See: “Apology Letter” line one - I am truly sorry I spent the first 40 years of my life completely oblivious to the inner workings of our judicial system”

(How much more “Responsible” can I get?)

Can I make Adjustments?

Monday, August 25, 2008

Feeling the Love

Today I got an Email from a family member. We talked on the phone for a good hour before I read the email. My family, up until now, was not aware of all the other cases, battles … I’ve been working on over the past couple years. I finally unloaded the Full Monty on ‘em…poor things. It’s exhausting to sort it out as I live it, it’s gotta suck trying to keep up with all the details in a crash course. It feels too weird to be real, but it is.

Here’s my response to: Family member;

Dear Family member,

This letter rocks! Can I post it? (see below)

Now that you have the BIG picture, i.e., all the other cases एंड
issues folded together, timing, typos, accidental warrants .. you
see, I'm doing the best I can, they want to eat me no matter what, and
all the smiles and nods on earth aren't gonna help me at this point.

I just have to tackle each issue methodically and hopefully I have the
kind of attorney/s that CAN help. I spent this past weekend documenting
EVERYTHING. I’ve created a Dated Chronological detailed document.

It's fricken insane actually.

Thank you for all your support, whatever is going on here I will get through it and I WILL find a way to pull something good from it. Hey, maybe I'll go to law school hehehe,
Now THAT would be funny!.

I'm so sorry you guys are having to feel my pain. I've been taking it
and keeping my mouth cuz it just FEELS crazy. I figured I could handle it
alone. Not to mention it's exhausting having to explain all the various
issues and details in play here. And listening to it is a chore in
itself, I mean gads! .. how long were we on the phone? ...Holy cow.

I love you all very much, I'm gonna come through this. Hopefully on Christmas Day 2008 we can ALL be hanging out in our pajamas shooting Nerf balls outta big plastic helmets and drinking Espresso!
Wooo Hoo, I wanna come home.
Where are those damn Ruby Slippers?!

(From Family member to me)

Dear Sloan,

Hey you, I have really debated with myself this weekend on if I should send this or not. Let me preface this with I love you and grew up in a small town with issues, so, I get it.

I believe in what you are trying to do, but timing is everything, now is not the time or place to fight this battle especially publicly. Just step outside the box for a moment and see what the rest of us are seeing. The whole family is frightened that you are burning bridges before you even get across......then what?? Burn them all you want but get across first!

That being said............ you know I love you RIGHT??? And I would not put so much thought and effort in if I didn’t truly see something bad coming from the depths. So, I am going to tell you straight as I see it because I think everyone is genuinely worried about you and this situation, they just hope you will handle it accordingly. So... my question is do you ever want to leave? Play nice in the sand box until they release you to go to KC with your probation then vent and blog away, put up the fight of your life and file all the bad mojo claims against Captain Jackass that you want ,but you're letting your emotions run the game right now and being the court jester is not how to win with the "dukes of hazard" mentality they have there. Some one has the "Boss Hog syndrome" and they want to break that hard-on off in someone and You are on the menu, you cant win with that.

You have to be logical and smart in your self preservation, not emotional. As your brother would say, "Keep poking the dog and it will bite". Do this by there letter as much as it pisses you off to do but take the slap on the wrist and GTF out!!!!!!!!!! Cause if you dont they will find ways to keep you there.

With your goofy sarcasm and hippy chick wit that you put into everything its just going to piss them off more (just like a sarcastic kid who doesnt want to listen to their parents even if they are wrong). It is the respect and acknowledgement of that authority that they are looking for. Quit stirring the pot and let it got stagnant, or they will box you up right or wrong because they can, to make an example of you by flexing their muscle!!!!! Once you are here then we can tackle all the bad with good backup that is not swayable because they live there. Fight it from a safe distance. They will find every reason to make an example of you the more you fight. Just buckle down, grit your teeth, smile and nod then get the hell out of there! Then rant all you want for therapy but you cant help yourself or anyone else, especially your son who needs you to do what you have to do right now, not what you want to do. How do you expect to help him stay on the right path and get through this change if you are "in the system" having a sit in to prove your point? Didn't you just get him out of their systems?

Court is this week, give them what they "want to hear" and lets roll out. MN is no longer a good or healthy place for you all any more. I love you............. finish this chapter and come home, we are waiting for you.

All my love and support

Sunday, August 24, 2008

“Violation my Ass”

OK, here we go, like THIS is a Surprise!

I’ve been served papers via snailmail AND Handed to me, at my home, by an Officer. Wow, they like me! they really like me!

I am to appear in Hazard County Court Mid September 2008.

According to my Probation Officer, Whatsherface, I’ve violated the conditions of my probation. She is recommending that the “Stay of Adjudication” be revoked, impose Stay of Execution, Serve 10 Days in the Hazard County Jail and discharge from probation upon receipt of the balance of my fine.

From what I gather, I'm assuming the topic we are to address is the one in big bold letters on the front page of the papers I was handed;

1. “Failure to write a letter of apology to the officer and provide a copy to probation with in 14 days.”

I suppose what we are to submit is called a rebuttal.
S: (n) rebuttal (the speech act of refuting by offering a contrary contention or argument)
S: (n) rebutter, rebuttal ((law) a pleading by the defendant in reply to a plaintiff's surrejoinder)

See below, my amateur ideal of a “Rebuttal” as defined above:
I have written TWO letters of apology.
The first in compliance with Line13 on of the “Conditions of Probation” I agreed to and signed which reads: “Write a letter of apology to officer & provide to PO within 14 days.
Done: I faxed it to both Officer Jackass and the Probation department exactly 14 days later.
The Second in compliance with my probation officers request for a detailed hand written letter, written in accordance with an outline she provided, the document was to be turned in within 14 days as part of “probation stuff”
Done: I hand delivered the detailed letter to the Probation officer exactly 13 days later.
Both documents were submitted on time and in the manner they were ordered.
So how does “Failure to write a letter of apology to the officer and provide a copy to probation with in 14 days.” apply?
Any thoughts?

Friday, August 22, 2008


I sent this to one of my attorneys and a few friends of mine with legal backgrounds. It was unanimous; Don’t BlOG anything that may be used against you or potentially Affect any pending cases. OK, I’ve changed up the names, and deleted the day parts of the dates.

Roll back - August, 2006; After a long day of golfing, fishing, goofing off,.. we drove to Cambridge to meet some friends of mine and grab a bite to eat. I was with my out of town friend, one time boyfriend from Chicago. (I’ll refer to him as “Chiguy” from here on)

Chiguy and I had been irritable with each other a few hours before leaving Cambridge and heading back toward Princeton. It was already late when we arrived in Cambridge to meet my friends, the restaurant was no longer serving food, I was hungry, sunburned and tired, I wanted to go home, Chiguy wanted to party.

I had 1 drink, a Margarita, it was horrible, I didn’t finish it, I switched to water and noshed on olives, and stuff from the fruit tray near the waitress station. Then the kereoke got rolling, oy vey .. I humored the folks we were with for a bit, then again, I reminded Chiguy I was ready to call it a night. By this time he was acting like a complete butthead, he said something rude, I gave him a dose of his own and we left the bar/restaurant irritable with each other. (I have witnesses)

We exchanged hostile words on the way home. I asked him to pull over and let me walk, he refused. We yelled at each other a lil more.. Chiguy pulled into the Highway Inn, about 1 mile east of my home. He insisted we take a moment in the bar to wrap up our argument and ensure we didn’t go to my home, where he was staying for the weekend, and wake up my kids with our bickering. I was just happy to get out of the car where I could have control over my destination.

We walked into the bar and ordered a pizza, I was starving, and they have great pizza. He ordered me a drink, I ordered water, I took one sip of the drink and left the rest I drank a couple glasses of water. He (Chiguy) had been driving my car, I knew if I asked for the keys he would deny me and likely make scene. My house is only a mile away, it was beautiful weather, I started walking home on the far right of the road. (There are no sidewalks)

I was approximately 20 feet west of the Hi-way Inn driveway on Hwy 95 when I noticed a bright light behind me. I looked back and figured it was a car search light but could not see beyond the light. I assumed it was a police car stopping someone else. I kept walking a few more feet then decided to turn back and ask, what I assumed was an officer, for a ride home.

Me; “Can you give me a ride home”?

Deputy JackAss; “where do you live”?

Me; “Princeton

Deputy JackAss; “I can’t do that”

Me; “Bummer, k”

Note: When I reached the point where I could see beyond the searchlight, I saw what I assumed was a police officer standing behind the open passenger door of the vehicle with his arms resting on the door casually talking on the radio. There were no other cars or people present. I was not concerned with why he was standing there shining a spot light, I just assumed he was looking for something. He never called out to me, he didn’t move from behind the door as I approached. His demeanor was sardonic and his verbal response to my request for a ride home was impatient and demeaning. My “Danger” radar was flashing red. I was in no mood for games and figured the walk would do me good.

I started walking again. I was about 20 feet in front of the car when the officer called me back to and asked to see my ID, I said “why”? He didn’t answer, as I was reaching into my purse for my wallet, he asked me what was going on, I told him I was pissed off and I wanted to go home. I held out my wallet showing him my ID. Very sternly, as if he were being inconvenienced, he demanded that I pull my ID out of my wallet, ”Get it out of there” were his exact words. My ID was difficult to get out of the wallet I was carrying, I struggled a bit and finally got it half way out, he was becoming increasingly agitated waiting and grabbed my ID the rest of the way out. (at this point I’m thinking; Whoa, angry man, scary guy, I want out of here)

I said, “There, you have my address, now you know where to bring it, I’m going home” and I started walking again. (I had every intention of getting home alive and calling the real police, I mean this nut now has my address!) JackAss was obviously not pleased with that statement and demanded I come back beside the car.

I turned back to look at JackAss, I saw Chiguy walking toward us from the bar parking lot, I walked back to the car. Granted, I’m not real thrilled to see Chiguy, I’m still mad as hell at him, but I felt much relief knowing someone was there, because this guy was scaring the heck out of me.

I don’t remember exactly what was said, but I know it was something like this;

Deputy JackAss; (looking at me) Do you know this person (or something close)

Me; “yes” (I likely rolled my eyes, thinking oh gads, now what)

Chiguy; (walking toward us, looks at me, then back to JackAss) “What’s going on here?”

Deputy JackAss; (to Chiguy) “Let me see your ID”

Chiguy; (Now standing beside me) “Why?” (as he reaches for his wallet and hands his ID to JackAss)

As JackAss is looking over Chiguy’s ID, Chiguy places his right arm behind my back and rests his hand on my right shoulder. Considering we had just had a nasty argument, I felt Chiguy was way out of line putting his arm around me, I gave him a dirty look, and moved away, stepping to the right away from his arm.

Deputy JackAss; Looking at both of us, very impatient, silent, postured authoritatively, not communicating verbally.. JackAss was much more uptight than either of us were at that moment.

Now Chiguy & JackAss are both looking at me, then back to each other, I felt … you know that feeling thing, no words, just an uncomfortable, icky feeling. I figure Chiguy, can talk this guy down. It was an obvious “Guy thing”

Me; Looking to Chiguy, “F off I’m going home” (I started walking again)

I was about 10 – 15 feet in front of the police car when I heard the officer yell “Stop!” I lifted the back of my skirt (Not a regular Skirt, it was Skorts, my rear-end was covered and I knew it), I slapped my left butt cheek (through the shorts) and if to say “kiss my ass” I did the reverse wave thing, you know the one your teen child does when they are walking away as you’re reminding them Again to clean their room? I continued walking.

I heard footsteps running up behind me, saw a shadow coming toward me. The officer grabbed my left wrist, I spun around startled and batted him away, during the struggle I repeatedly said “what the hell are you doing, what’s wrong with you”?

Chiguy, still near the car, kept saying, things like, “calm down, what are you doing?”

JackAss was very flustered and came at me again. I squirmed batting his hands away again. He got a grip of my arm and told me to get down. I’m already questioning whether or not he was a real officer. He pushed me to the ground by holding my arm and pulling it down. I sat on my butt, but refused to get down on my face. (if this guy is a nut case, no way am I going to turn my back to him.)

I sat stunned for a moment, he told me again, “get on your face” I said, “I am on my face” (meaning I’m as on my face as I was gonna get)

He started calling for back up talking to the radio on his shoulder. I was trying to defuse the situation, I jokingly yelled back to Chiguy, something to the effect of “Hey, were in trouble, this guys talking to himself now”

I tried to get to my feet again. He yelled at me telling me to get down on my face, then grabbed his tazer directed it toward Chiguy and said “stand back” I could tell by the sound of Chiguy’s voice that he WAS standing back and doing nothing to threaten the officer. He did ask both JackAss and me to “Just calm down.”

Out of nowhere JackAss turned the tazer on me, still sitting on the ground mind you, as a warning to Chiguy I guess. The Tazer made me jerk and squirm around, I jumped to my feet, a natural reaction to a shock like that, and he pushed me down again, I fell back on my butt in front of JackAss, Chiguy is still pretty far behind me, I could tell by the sound of his voice he had to be at least a good 5 feet away.

JackAss told me again, “Get on your face” I said, ”I AM on my face”, (thinking it was kinda funny) at that point I was pretty stunned, k, literally stunned.

I don’t remember, being handcuffed, by who or how I was handcuffed. Apparently while I was being tazered, a total of five times according to Chiguy, the other officers arrived.

I had weird marks on my body for about a week, two on my chest and one near my lower back. Yup, the guy was having a great time. Chiguy watched the entire thing, helplessly, until the other officers showed up, I guess that’s when JackAss stopped tazering me. I don’t remember seeing the other officers pull up. I DO remember feeling relieved when I did see them, I was thinking, finally, some sanity. I remember being walked to a police car and placed in the back seat of another car, not JackAss’s.

As I sat quietly in the police car, shaking off the shock waves, I saw two officers bend ChiGuy over the hood of the car I was sitting in and I watched them handcuff him. (ChiGuy did not resist) I used my feet (heels) to bang on the window in order to get another officers attention. The officer opened the door and told me to stop trying to break the window. I tried to explain to him that ChiGuy had done nothing wrong and that the other officer was nuts. I don’t remember what the trooper said to me but he shut the door and I sat still.

A different officer got into the car I was sitting in and started driving. He opened the sliding window between the back seat and the drivers cab and asked me if I was hurt. I was scrapped and bruised and had a broken toe.

I told the officer I thought my toe was broken, and explained I had a bruise on my bottom from a golf cart accident earlier that week and that was bothering me. While he was driving me to the police station he asked me what happened. As I told him I started to cry and asked him what he would have done had I asked him for a ride home, he said “I would have taken you home”. I asked him what the heck was wrong with the other guy?” he said “I don’t know” It felt as though the officer I was being transported by was not feeling real secure with JackAss’s ability to do his job.

When I got to the booking area an officer removed my cuffs, the arresting officer, Big JackAss, walked behind the desk to fill out some paperwork the Paper read “Assault” on an Officer. I said “That was nuts! What’s wrong with you?” He didn’t reply and left.

The other officers seemed to agree with me. I finished the booking process. I refused to sign the form allowing them to take $10.00 from my cash to pay for the expense of doing my paperwork. I told them I paid taxes and I won’t sign that, they said they are taking it anyway, I said, “well if you’re gonna take it anyway, what do ya need me to sign for, Duh?” and they laughed, because, well it WAS kinda funny.

They placed me in a cell. Eventually an officer came in and asked me to blow into a breathalyzer, I said, “we already know I’m drunk, do I have to take it?” the officer said I didn’t have to. So I refused.

I had my wits about me. Yes, I had consumed alcohol that day and earlier that evening, but I wasn’t drunk. I was more concerned that if I blew over the .08 MN limit they could use it against me. I was furious and trying to ensure I offered them no ammothey could potentially use against me. I was prepared to pursue a case against Deputy JackAss. (I know, cute huh? Stop laughing..)

I tried to sleep but it was cold so I knocked on the door and asked for a blanket, they brought me one, AND a pillow. I slept for awhile assuming once I was legally, at least according to MN law, sober, I would be able to go home.

I woke up, knocked on the door and asked what time it was। I explained to the new officer on shift that I was unable to complete my phone call the night before and asked if I could use the phone. She said she was busy. I sat in my cell and had breakfast. She returned and let me use the phone, then took me back to the cell.

A little while later she came in and told me to blow into the breathalyzer, I refused, she said “you HAVE to”, I said “no I don’t”, then she said I can’t go into a regular cell unless I did. I blew lightly. She got agitated and said blow harder, I told her I wasn’t so sure I wanted to go into a regular cell and what happens if I don’t blow. She told me she would take the blanket and pillow …. It was cold, I blew. I don’t know what it registered.

Then she demanded to know what kind of medication I took. I told her “I don’t take meds,” she said “don’t lie to me, I know you take meds” I said, “what makes you think I’m on meds”? Then she started acting odd, and told me to “pay attention”, I laughed at her and told her I take vitamins and that I have a script for welbutren to help me quit smoking but it wasn’t working because I really wanted a cigarette”. She quit asking after that.

She came back in and took me to shower, handed me what she said was shampoo, there was no soap in the dispenser, I asked for more shampoo to use on my face, she said no, so I split what I had in the cup between my face and my hair, it burned my face, it was NOT shampoo it was for head lice. Grrr!

I got dressed in a jumpsuit and was escorted to a regular cell with five other women. I was exhausted, I fell asleep. I woke to banging and yelling, one of the women in the cell had started to seizure and fell from the bottom bunk onto the floor. The other women were banging on the door and yelling trying to get the guards attention for help, one woman was sitting on her bunk near the woman on the floor, crying and rocking. At least 3 minutes past before anyone came to the door, all the while this woman was having violent seizures. I put a pillow under her head so she wouldn’t hurt herself. Once the officer arrived she wasted a couple minutes trying to talk to an unconscious woman before she told the other officer to call an ambulance.

I decided after talking to these very nice women, all with very sad stories, three had been in and out of the system repeatedly and were under long term psychiatric care. Four out of the five were regularly medicated for depression, sleep disorders and the like, I decided to make a game of it. “We should pretend we were in a Retreat Resort, kinda getting back to the simpler things in life.” We worked jigsaw puzzles, shared stories, laughed at girly stuff.

On Sunday another roommate joined us, she was a Yoga instructor at one time, we threw our bed mats on the concrete floor and tried a lil yoga, we stretched, talked, cried, giggled, exchanged massage techniques to relax. I liked to declare “Room Service” when the guards knocked at meal and medication time … I actually made it fun! I refused to be miserable because some deluded man took his bad night out on me. (needless to say, the guards didn’t like me much.)

I was in jail Saturday night, all day Sunday and most of Monday, I saw a judge around 3:30 Monday afternoon.

Being naïve about these things, when the Judge asked me how I plea, I saw that the charges had been dropped form a “Felony” Assault on an Officer to a “Gross Misdemeanor” Assault/ disorderly Conduct / Obstructing the Legal Process. I opted for guilty. I didn’t know what the heck it all meant, I just wanted out of there.

The Judge, bless his heart, looked me directly in the eye and said very clearly and slowly, “Are you SURE there were NO Extenuating Circumstances that may have contributed to this event … (pause) … like duress …(pause).. or “ Alcohol” …(pause) … (still looking me directly in the eye. I look to the court reporter, she was looking at me as if to say “go with the judge … please you stupid woman” I looked back at my Mom and Chiguy sitting in the “other people thingy”, their eyes are huge, Chiguy is shaking his head)

I pipe up and say “uh .. yeah, we were drinking” or something close (I’m still working on getting the Transcripts)

Judge; “OK then” … blah blah, you will not consume alcohol or be in an establishment that serves alcohol … blah blah … if you agree to this you will be released on your own recognance and without bail… blah blah blah.

Oh, detail; My mother and Chiguy are sitting in the, I dunno, “other people place” behind the place where I am to sit. As I walk into the court room from the “secret criminal door”, I see Chiguy is holding a sign made of notebook paper that reads “NOT Guilty!!! FREE .------ < --- (my name)” I tired not to laugh out loud.

Me; “Ok” blah blah,.. (I step up and sign the paper)

Tuesday, the day after our release, Chiguy and I set out to find an attorney we can share, yup share, I’m such an idiot, I feel somehow guilty for our arrest, of course if he paid for his own attorney, his wife would know where he really was over the weekend. I just wanted to be done with him, not ruin his family…his kids need him yada yada, I know, stupid go ahead, laugh. There’s a lot more to it a few years history, the Chiguy BLOG will happen, first things first though.

Anyway, we (Chiguy and I ) plan to make some noise, I mean, how is it possible that this Deputy JackAss guy could put us through this and WE end up in Jail for a weekend and having to reappear in court to defend ourselves?

We interview attorney after attorney in Isanti County, no one is willing to take on a civil case. All of them are looking only at the document JackAss wrote “The Police Repot” and thinking in terms of how they can argue the document JackAss submitted. We all know it’s a blatant lie.

JackAss misconstrued the entire event to make it seem as though he was under attack and acted in self defense. We, (the Attorneys, ChiGuy and myself) WE KNOW it’s a lie. No one, except me, is willing to challenge it. Chiguy has changed his tune. Now he doesn’t want any trouble, because his wife may find out. The ‘married” issue defiantly has to do with the argument he and I were having when I set out walking.

Note: Heads up folks – When dating a “Separated” person DO ask them to define “Separated” IN DETAIL. Some folks consider themselves “Separated” when their spouse is not in the room. .. I know, save it for the OTHER BLOG, got cha.

K, I come to the conclusion that the local attorneys can’t afford to take on the County, in fear that they will be added to the black – book of folks that don’t play along. The attorneys we talked with from out of Isanti County, “The Cities” we call it, are laughing thinking it will just be dropped, no worries. I go with the City criminal attorney. And due to the fact that I’m genuinely worried that if I make noise, the local Sheriffs may go out of their way to harass me, my star witness has reneged, and I have a ton of other garbage to deal with, I decided to forgo seeking an attorney to start a civil case against the county.

K, I know all the folks reading this who know me well are likely smiling and thinking “awww isn’t that cute, our lil Sloan is finally growing up”

K, Fine, I HAVE been the forever happy joy joy, it’s all good, hippie chick. I’m Still thinking, “Surely there’s a lesson to be learned from all this insanity. I need to just absorb everything I learn from this experience and turn it into a positive. What can I take from this and use to make things better.

#1. Karma; Married guy = bad, Shame on me. It won’t happen again.

#2. Knowledge; Wow, I had no Idea! I thought bad cops were only in the movies

#3. Responsibility; If I fight, the truth WILL come out and I may potentially save others from this bad apple spoiling the barrel.

Alright, quit laughing, I really believe that. OK “Believed” .. Naw, I DO Believe that.

K, so March 2007; In the interim I’ve been dealing with other unethical icky people. Long story, biz stuff .. another BLOG that needs to be written. I’m getting my butt kicked from all sides. The Married guy, Chiguy, has broken my heart; I learn my Ex (almost husband, we lived together as a couple raising our kids for about seven years 1997 – 2003) Now simply Biz relationship, has been stealing $$ and plotting to eat my business, .. like I said, another BLOG.

I assume this entire JackAss Arrest thing is just a blip on the screen compared to the demons I had started having to fight around September October 2006 – (and I am dealing with)

I decided to make a mental note of the JackAss Arrest thing and get back to the injustice of our system when I’m stronger and better able to focus. I felt assured this thing would simply be dismissed as did my attorney, likely be laughed outta court and dropped. I figured I could make a difference later.

In November 2006 my attorney and I went to court to reverse the no Alcohol thing I had agreed to in August. When I realized that according to the law, I was restricted from things like dinning out, playing golf, technically, I was not allowed to be anywhere where alcohol is served, if I was, and they wanted to, I could be arrested for violating my conditions. The request was granted. In lieu of the “Alcohol thing” I paid $1000.00 bail.

Things get pushed back, life happens, chaos.. By now its March 2007, Chiguy and I have our first appearance. Chiguy is up to bat first.

Judge - Ok Chiguy, don’t do anything bad for two years, no record, pay the fine and you’re outta here. The Judge slams the hammer thingy down, no big deal.

Attorney - Does a lil victory dance in the corner (not really dances, but yup, he’s thinking a quick $4,000.00 bucks between the two of us) I’m feeling like, phew, one down.

They call my case: The county attorney, Un-named Guy, riffles though folders, opens mine and sees (because they are in Chronological order I assume) “Assault” on an officer, Felony” I see him turn to my attorney showing him the file (the one he should have been reading BEFORE the moment I was called) and saying something like “Assault on an officer! This will not be tolerated, No Deal!

My attorney looks like he’s been punched in the stomach. As he walks back toward me, like a deer in headlights, he’s shaking his head. We go into another room. My attorney explains to me that we have another chance, “Omnibus” I’m like, “Omnibus. WTF is that?” “Well,..…” all I hear at that point is Blah blah Blah …

Me, “OK’ see ya there

Roll forward: October 2007, I show up for the Omnibus hearing. Deputy JackAss spews his take on the events first. He contradicts HIS OWN report, looks like a pathetic monkey on the stand, states that he didn’t know he was supposed to bring proof that he was looking for a reported runaway, which BTW was his reasoning for approaching me according to HIS report, when in fact I walked up to him, he never approached me. (I’ll publish the JackAss police report and all the court transcripts as soon as I get them)

I Approached HIM. Grrrr, I’m getting angry now. From what I witness, JackAss’s true colors shined right through, he was as smug in court as he was August 27, 2006 (the evening I was arrested)

My turn; My Attorney has to ask only questions re the officers BS report, we have to prove that his lie was … I dunno frankly, that’s what we pay attorneys to figure out, assume they know what they are doing or they wouldn’t be making the big $$.

My attorney’s focus was, did officer JackAss have the right to detain me after he confirmed who I was.

I answered my attorney’s questions directly and honestly, explained the events of the evening truthfully … I was begging for my attorney to ask more questions … but he can’t, because that’s not the way it works.

I assume as human beings comparing testimonies, body language… surely they see that JackAss is lying.

JackAss had a female county attorney defending him AKA; “the state” to boot!

She throws out something about Deputy JackAss being required by law to take a person into custody if he suspects that the person may be in danger or threatened by another person and afraid to tell, yada yada, and that it is his duty, as an officer to protect that person by taking them into custody. What A Crock of CaCa.

WTF Law is that!!! Is that the one where the Dr asks you “do you feel safe in your environment”? For Pete sake, you gotta be kidding me!

So Omnibus is like, Deal or no deal? Then they ask, ya wanna go to trial? The Judge asks, so, how do you plea or something like that. Inside I’m just screaming, .. TRIAL, you Pricks, bring it on!

K, fast forward … July 2008, I’m scheduled for trial… I’m Soo still getting my ass kicked financially. Ex looks like he’s gonna get away with it,…Biz stuff, yada yada. I know, I’ll save it for another BLOG. I called my Attorney earlier in the week before my Trial and explained my situation, I asked him to please do his best to find a happy place with the County Attorney because I didn’t have the time or the funds to keep messing with this. The odds of a trial coming out in my favor were 50/50, not so good.

I show up the date of my Trial. My attorney tells me he and the county attorney had come to an agreement. He says;

1. Two years “Stay of Adjudication”

Stay of Adjudication: The conviction is never entered on the offender's record, providing that the offender complies with court-ordered conditions.

2. Two years Probation (I thought that was what a Stay of Adjudication was, but nope it’s a separate deal)

3. $ 500.00 Fine

4. Complete a CUA with in 30 days – CUA = Chemical Use Assessment (I guess a CUA is standard procedure in MN anytime it’s reported that alcohol was involved, and because the judge was kind enough to enlighten me and I chose the “No Alcohol” option in Lieu of Bail $$ yada yada, no biggie.

Now my attorney is kinda hmmm hawing, pauses for a minute, he knows this next “Deal Condition” is gonna piss me off..

He’s says really fast and kinda quietly; “And… a letter of Apology to officer JackAss”

I’m ready to Explode! I say, “you’ve gotta be kidding, no fricken way!”

He explains that the Trial I’m there to attend is not actually going to take place that day, and that it could be months before it actually happens. He reiterates the odds in Isanti County of winning a trail having to do with an officer’s misconduct are not in my favor and that because of the nature of the case, (against an officer) if I do lose they will likely sentence me to the maximum possible …

OK, the bastards have me by the short hairs. “Fine, I’ll write the damn letter”

K, I’m up to bat:

My attorney and I are sitting at the table ready to plea … eeek, it soo sucks sitting there. My Attorney looks at the final paper the County attorney had handed him that lists the conditions the two of them had agreed to earlier. He nudges me with his elbow and says, “look, he didn’t list the letter of apology”. I was soo relieved, I can take a lot of crap, but that letter request made my blood boil.

Judge: “is your name Bla Blah.. are you of sound mind .. yada yada … do you understand … yada yada

Me: “Yes”

Judge: “on the evening of blah blah did you, something about obstruction of justice disorderly… yada yada

Me: “No sir, I was walking home yada yada” (or something like that, I’ll get those transcripts, I am horribly shy and tend to sorta freeze up when I have to speak in front of large crowds. It’s hard for me, but there was no way I was gonna agree to JackAss’s lies)

Judge: “on the evening of blah blah did you something about assault officer JackAss .. resist arrest … yada yada

Me: “No sir, officer JackAss attacked me and I batted him away” (something like that, Again, I will post those transcripts)

At this point the judge is just looking at me, you can tell he’s just exhausted, the court reporter and others up near the judge are kinda wide eyed and I can feel my attorney wanting to strangle me.

The County Attorney walks over to our table and shows my attorney a piece of paper with a bunch of writing on it and points to the words “Letter of Apology” and says “I forgot to add that to your copy”

My Attorney looks to me, I glare at the County Attorney. I know he knew I just wanted to scream.

The Judge almost immediately after seeing me give the County attorney the look of death, the Judge says, “Please Stand”

My attorney and I stand.

Judge: “raise your right hand” .. Do you blah, blah, blah .. and yada yada yada

I’m doing everything in my power not to cry, my chin is quivering, my right hand is shaking, I’m just livid!

I focus in on one woman’s face, I can’t look the Judge in the eye at this point, I’m too angry and he doesn’t need to feel my daggers, I’m afraid if he did, they would haul me back to jail through the “Secret Criminal” door directly to my left.

I stared into this woman’s eye’s for a good 30 – 50 seconds trying to choke down the tears and muster enough strength to speak. This woman, was such a trooper, she never broke eye contact. She had the sweetest face, you could tell her heart went out to me. It was her calm face that kept me from blurting out something that would have likely landed me in big trouble.

There were a few other topics discussed, how to pay fines, ya da yada. I sign the “Probation Conditions” sheet, I walk out just pissed, ahead of my attorney. It feels like everyone in the “Other People Place” is staring at me .. it feels awful.

My attorney meets me at the Court Administration counter, we do all the stuff we have to do. I say good bye. Once I’m in my car I just break down, I want sooo badly to walk directly to the Sheriff’s department next door and file a formal complaint. I didn’t, I called my friends instead, they suggested I wait until I’m calm and I’ve talked to someone to confirm that filing a report would not cause conflict … I took their advice

This brings us to:

Followed by:

And Coming Soon! “Violation My ASS” (I’m working on this Document)

I’ll get back to the “Isanti County Three Ring Circus” later. Reliving all this is exhausting, and seemingly never over.

Yours truly

Pissed off and kicken!